Being Real

So...I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith lately.  I'm finding it difficult to trust and to lean into the fact that God loves me and I am his daughter.  My own imperfect earthly father left a lasting impression on me and I realize I've never truly been able to accept love.  The idea of it, sure.  The actuality of it, not so much.  This has created a great anxiety within my soul, and a disconnectedness.  Every thing that happens is filtered through that lens, serving to reinforce that core belief.

Last night I attended the first session of a local IF:Gathering (started by Jennie Allen) and came home with trepidation of how the night would go and whether I would be able to make it back for the second part today.  For whatever reason, God saw fit that Ava would still be sick and stay up all night, which effectively broke my heart, but also made my spirit say "Of course, you have to miss out on everything good in life.  If God really had this for YOU, you would have been able to go.  He obviously does not."

I walk around with this deep, heavy sadness and baggage constantly, whether I am aware of it or not.

I compare my kids to other's kids, and marinate in the feeling of alone-ness and isolation that no one I know has been through a similar experience.

I've stopped telling the truth, not wanting to be pitied, but worse, knowing I will see the incredulousness on their faces and feel judged.  And like a colossal failure.

I walk around carrying the heavy pack of guilt that tells me that every quirk or imperfection my children have, every weakness or bad night is my fault.  The thousands of nights I have spent tending to my children rather than sleeping, my punishment.

For being unlovable.

For being unworthy.

For being less-than, an utter failure as a woman and mother.

For all of these emotions and experiences I gave my babies when they were still tiny in thr womb, that left a lasting effect in their makeup and ability to cope.

I'm afraid I'm going to feel anxious and unloved and take all of my children's shortcomings and failures to heart for ever.

I sure am right now as I listen to my two year old scream from the other room while her daddy tries to console her while she should be sleeping. (ETA: We just took her temp and it was 103, mom fail.  At least now we know this current reason.  Poor girl.)

But I don't want to.

One of the speakers last night was Ann Voskamp, on who's blog I've been perusing this evening and finding great comfort.  I especially like her idea of 1000 gifts.  So, I'm going to start leaning into that (some of it in list form, some in stories and pictures) starting right now, with five blessings.

Because I'm tired of feeling this way. Here goes.

1) My husband who loves me unconditionally, even when I don't feel it, even when I can't feel it.
2) My sweet, amazingly smart almost nine year old, who randomly thanks me for being a good mom.
3) My spunky, loveable two year old daughter, who likes to pop around the corner and say, "Hi, Mom!" in the most adorable way.
4) A sweet soul-sister of a friend who invited me out for coffee and listened to me vent without judgement.
6) A church where I actually feel like I might be loved, for the first time in a very long time.

Do you struggle with some of these things? If God is really our Father, than we come from a place of abundance, and not lack. I think leaning into this idea is imperative for overcoming false beliefs about ourselves and becoming the people God made us to be.